Chicagoland Gardening
Columns
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November/December 2009
Mike's Never-Ending Holiday Hort Sing-Along
There's Nothing Like Loam for the Gardener
(Sung to “There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays”)Oh, there's nothing like loam for the gardener
Whether you live in Naperville or Nome
When you want dirt that's crumble-y and decomposed
For the gardener, you can't beat loam, sweet loamI met a man who lives in Palos Hills
And he was mighty sore
Diggin' garden beds in tough, compacted clay
All through suburbia the drainage stinks
And folks can't plant a thing
From South Holland to Lake Zurich
Gee, the cursing is terrificOh, there's nothing like loam for the gardener
Whether you live in Naperville or Nome
If you don't want to end up in traction bed
For the gardener, you can't beat loam, sweet loam
Away In A Tool Shed
(Sung to “Away in a Manger”)Away in a tool shed, no space for a pot
A little more headroom would help me a lot
My neighbors bemus-ed look down on my fit
My too-little tool shed with no tools to fitThe poor walls are leaning, the spade handle breaks
This tool shed is one of my biggest mistakes
I love thee, small tool shed, but I've had my fill
I'm shipping the whole blanking mess to BrazilYou're near me, small tool shed, too close to the house
Your pre-fab construction just screams Mickey Mouse
Bless all the poor dimwits who purchased your kit
And take us to heaven to be rid of itMarty The Mowman
(Sung to “Frosty the Snowman”)Marty the mowman was an ab-y- normal soul
With a porkpie hat and a bulbous nose
and two eyes that looked like coal
Marty the mowman is a scary tale, they say
He was paid to mow but the children know how he left the rails one day.
There must have been some rum left
in that rusty flask they found
For when they placed it in his hands
he began to mow the town
O, Marty the mowman
Thought that he was now The Man
And he went for broke in a cloud of smoke
‘Til they threw him in the can
Choppity chop chop
Choppity chop chop
Look at Marty mow
Choppity chop chop
Choppity chop chop
He'll get his own talk showUp On The Green Roof
(Sung to “Up On the House Top”)Up on the green roof, there I pause
Gravity has still got laws.
Inside my brain, flashes past my life
All this for my eco-wife
Oh, no, no! Why did I go?
Oh, no, no! Why did I go?
Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun
Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1
First comes my neighbor, the little jerk
Doesn't he ever go to work?
He's got a camera that I despise
Snapping a picture of my surprise
Oh, no, no! Why am I here?
Oh, no, no! Cover my rear
Up on the housetop, fun, fun, fun
Dialing my cell phone to 9-1-1
