Chicagoland Gardening Columns
2009

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January/February 2009

Planning Commissioner

The folks in the editorial office tell me that this issue is about planning. I'm taking their word for it, since they don't invite me to editorial meetings anymore. That might have something to do with the time that I showed up with my Giant Burrowing Cockroach (Macropanesthia rhinoceros), an insect from Australia. I thought they would find it educational. I still don't know how it escaped. You'd think they would have been a little more concerned about my emotional attachment to Rhino and less about how to get it out of their potted fiddle-leaf ficus. . . .

 


March/April 2009

Weather Warrior

As I write, the guy on the Weather Channel is warning us to stay indoors. “Don't go out unless you absolutely have to,” the earnest man says apocalyptically. The graphic at the bottom of the screen informs me that the actual temperature is 11 degrees F, the wind chill is 0 degrees. It is 2:52 p.m. Things will only get worse.

Bring. It. On. . . .


May/June 2009

Failure to Communicate

“Do you have geraniums?”

“Pelargonium or cranesbill?”

“Sorry?”

“Er, Pelargonium or cranesbill.”

“No, I'm not interested in birds. I want a geranium. Got any red ones?” . . .


July/August 2009

Family Gathering

My family is in the backyard. Lordy, save me from my family.

They say that you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Hah! Who is this “they” anyway? The same ones who say “The night is darkest before the dawn”? Well, for those of you who have difficulty figuring out the obvious, I usually find that the night is darkest pretty much about the time that the neighborhood cats get into a big ol' hissy fight and guarantee that you will get about two hours of sleep–usually the night before a big morning presentation. . . .


September/October  2009

Pretty in (everything but) Pink

I'm not paranoid but it's out to get me. It's everywhere. It's in my life, my dreams, my backyard, my garden. It is ubiquitous, relentless, abhorrent, insidious, formidable, unyielding, despotic and pitiless.

It is...it is....

It is pink...aaaaahhhhhh!

 


 

November/December 2009

Mike's Never-Ending Holiday Hort Sing-Along

There's Nothing Like Loam for the Gardener
(Sung to “There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays”)

Oh, there's nothing like loam for the gardener
Whether you live in Naperville or Nome
When you want dirt that's crumble-y and decomposed
For the gardener, you can't beat loam, sweet loam. . . .